"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff
and building your wings on the way down."

- Ray Bradbury

Friday, April 20, 2007
THE ULTIMATE SPENDTHRIFT. yes that's me. :(

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

arghhh!!! crap!! don't ask me how much i spent in the short time span of a few hours. *roars*

i'm totally cleaning out my account esp since i have no income for the past 2 mths!

g-r-e-a-t :(

but shopping lifts my spirit! somehow feel q unhappy just now. but seeing the pretty stuff i bought n thinking abt them reaching my hands.. makes me just a little happier :)

Monday, April 16, 2007

it's weird having to maintain 2 blogs.. cos dis is my private one, whereas the other's my shared blog with deardear. since i resurrected dis blog, i shd blog here sometimes too! tot of posting the same posts here n at the other blog, but it's quite stupid to do dat i guess.. so yup so here i am with a brand new post :)

just read some of my frens' blogs. i lyk it when they update cos if not it's boring when everytime i visit their blogs, it's still the same old post dat has been there ages ago. but anw, i just realised sth quite farny. looking at xw's blog, i realised dat th lyks to take photos with a particular head-tilted-upwards pose. n den i think of dear.. n so does he! i dunno.. is it some act cool pose for guys? lol :D

am v bored. i studied the whole of yday, taking breaks only to exercise my legs by walking to the kitchen to find something to occupy my mouth n stomach. there's still alot left to go tho.. sigh. sometimes i cant decide if i'd prefer if exams come faster, or slower (since exams NOT coming is totally not going to happen). but i lyk it dat my papers r spread out lah. pity those taking acc2 too! lol hopefully dat's going to give me some advantage for the paper dat comes b4 n after the acc2 paper cos pple will need to divide their revision time with 1 more subjects!

reading yq's blog abt wanting to become a CFO kinda amused me. not cos i think it's impossible for her to achieve, but cos i think sumtimes she worries too much abt things dat r too far off into the future. i noe it's lyk a goal, an ambition. but i feel u gotta take 1 step at a time n figure out how u'r going to make ur next move up the corporate ladder, instead of quickly setting ur sights on the highest rung. i mean, at every stage of ur career, there's bound to be a few possibilities n options for u to choose from. wad if u'r looking up the wrong ladder?

taking yq's post as an eg, after 3 yrs in 1 of the Big 4, if given gd prospects to stay on cos mayb ur boss thinks highly of u, wld u still insist on resigning n join an MNC? cos in the 1st place, u gotta b q gd for an MNC to want u. unless, of cos, if u were approached to join the MNC lah. it's not easy to become a partner, but with every1 (the accountants) fighting to b the CFO in the MNC as well, is it really going to b sth dat's neccessarily easier to achieve? not dat i wanna b a wet blanket, but i seriously think dat neither staying in the Big 4 or hopping over to an MNC will guarantee any high position, b it a partner or the CFO. it's all going to depend on ur work performance, ur working relationships with ur colleagues n bosses plus overall management of office politics (cos obviously if u'r not well-liked, u'll b an open target for backstabbings n the like), n quite a large scoop of l-u-c-k!

for me, haha.. i think my aim is simple enough. it doesnt really matter wad position i'll b filling, but my ultimate ultimate aim is to earn at least $30k a month when i retire. lol deardear thinks it's sth dat's hard to achieve, tho it's not impossible. i also know dat, but i dun think $30k a month is ALOT cos it really depends on wad u'r doing n how well u'r doing it. i dun have a precise direction of wad i'm going to do, which path i'm going to take in terms of my career development cos i think it's still too early to tell wad area of mkting i really prefer or am better in. for accountants, mayb the path is more or less rather straightforward, but for mkting pple, we'r really going to be open to quite a number of options. lyk wad 1 of my profs said, i agree with him dat it's foolish of those in my cohort who proclaim dat they die die wanna go into hospitality (cos of the IR) or wadeva industry.

n unlike the accountancy pple, i doubt my PA will serve to give me a better idea of how my future job is going to be like. but nonetheless i'm still looking forward to it. hopefully it's going to b a gd learning experience even if it's not going to be much of a working experience. bleahs. anw mayb the best thing abt me going off to canada next sem is dat most prob when i get back, i'd have cleared all my modules n can get a little head-start in finding a nice nice job :) since every1 will still be trying to clear their cores n electives on top of fyp, after the fyp submission in march, i guess i'll b pretty much free to do wadeva i want with my working life already. lol

sigh okay lah. time to mug again. it's just going to be mug, mug n more mugging for the next 2 wks :( wish me luck! oh. n gd luck to every1 having exams too. lol

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

be a man please.

*sigh*

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

how come suddenly every1 is telling me how impt i am n how much they value me, when i dun feel it? LOL

think i'm balding. am dropping ALOT of hair everyday. haha wonder why.

had fun doing project 2day tho it was draggy n 1/2 the time every1 was doing non-project related stuff lyk playing games n chit chatting. usually i'd b q pissed at the inefficiency. but 2day, they made me kept me so entertained throughout the proj meeting i din go n think abt unhappy stuff that i din want to think abt.

i cant rem the last time i laughed so happily *smiles*

talked to edlyn for awhile just now. did some catching up with each other cos we'v not seen each other much dis sem since we'r not in the same classes. chatting abt ry n she let me hear a korean song ry sang n recorded herself. lol it's the full house song dat ry n i loved. still rem vividly the times we watched korean dramas together in hall, rewind n rewind n try to make out the words of the korean song so we cld sing it, scream n make a din when watching the exciting parts, n we cried together at the sad parts.. :) come back soon deary!

my grpmate's not done with the slides for tmr's presentation yet, but i'm tired n slpy. feel better than i did the past 2 days. hope i have happy dreams 2nite!

lol 2day is a such an interesting thought-filled day with lots to blog abt. am glad i decided to blog here once again. i'm sick of putting up with a fren who always thinks she's right, i just got to blog my frustrations with her 2day! it's weird really. i was q pissed by her n her "admit u'r wrong cos i'm always right" attitude just now but now i dun really care cos i'v alr told her wad i tot. but still, dis post is for u babe!

since we'v been frens, we'v always had some ups n downs lyk the time in sec sch when we din talk to each other tho i cant rem why. but anw, i think u urself shd noe dat u'r quite a ba4 dao4 person since u noe u'r hard to get along with. it's not dat i'm complaining abt u here cos i'm not. i just wan u to noe dat while i'm used to giving in to u when u wan things ur way, it's not going to happen all the time especially when u demand dat i admit to saying sth dat i noe v clearly i din say.

it's just a vvv small issue n it's damn stupid n ridiculous for 2 gd frens to always b arguing abt dumb things dat r not important at all. if the arguement is abt stuff lyk family or wx, fine. it's a big enough thing worth getting all angry n defensive abt. but clothes? wad crap. i dun even care wad our conversation regarding buying clothes was abt. so wad if i'm right n so wad if u'r right? if u think u'r right n i think i'm right den 4get it n get over it. dun nid to kick up a big fuss over nothing.

n u saying "if u dowan to admit u'r wrong den i think mayb u shdnt come". yah wadeva. just let me collect my f21 clothes, my pillow, blanket n blah n i swear i wun step foot into ur room again. ur roomie will b happier too! i dun really care abt having to wake up earlier but i wun admit to sth i din do just so dat i can save a few minutes of slp. slping in my own bed is much more comfy than on the floor anw.

it's farny how u'r forever so defensive when ppl arent insulting u or wad. lyk the time i commented dat ur temporary perm wad nicer than the permanent one. i was just saying dat i tot the temp one looked more natural, not trying to imply dat the permanent one is ugly. saying one is nicer n saying one is ugly is a big difference.

then the INSTEP thing. i noe u were upset abt not being successful in obtaining a place, n not getting a response from IRO. den when i told u abt round 2 b4 it was announced, u made a big deal out of it saying dat i have priority cos IRO told me abt it n u'r not informed at all so u tot u'r not in the waiting list n blah. n den wad happened? u got the round 2 announcement also wad.

i was excited to think dat mayb u still have a chance to go canada with me but cos the vacancies were taken up cos pple bothered to go IRO earlier, somehow for one reason or another, u got angry over sth again. i dun even rem wad. lolz all i rem is u telling me not to sms u anymore cos u'r angry n wx is pissing u off too, so u wan to turn ur hp off.

lyk i said just now, u seem to think dat u'r the only one who can get angry n dat u'r always right. just cos pple give in to u, doesnt mean u shd take advantage of it n push the limit. even if u'r right n sum1 else is in the wrong, is there really a need or a must to determine the blame n draw the line so clearly? i alr told u, if i'm wrong i'll admit it. dun nid u to tell me to admit it.

when u helped me to collect my watch when i sent it for repair, we also quarrelled abt it. cos i wanted to noe if u'r in hall cos hy was driving n if i can, i cld go to ur hall to get it from u. den for some reason cos it was late or sth (i din bother to really rem the reason) u got pissed n said sth abt "if i noe den i wun collect for u alr". i was angry with u at dat time also cos i'm going to ur hall to get it, u dun even nid to step out of ur room. wad's so difficult abt me going to get my watch from u? not lyk i asked u to meet me at the busstop or wad. u just needed to open the door, pass me the watch n i'll b gone. it wldnt even take 5secs n u got angry abt dat? it's just senseless.

the other day u were telling me abt viv wanting to rethink her options n blah. u were telling me abt how much i underestimate not seeing hy n talked abt accountancy pple being able to go into b&f n other biz areas easily. i told u if employers have a choice, they'd prefer a person who has a degree in the specialization they'r looking for. i still stand by wad i said. i wasnt trying to say dat acc pple cannot do b&f or mkting or wad, just dat it's not as easy to get such jobs compared to those with a b&f or mkting degree. den u also just keep wantinig to insist dat acc ppl also can n blah so i got q turned off n din reply anymore.

u keep insisting dat i c hy more often than u c wx also. n u cldnt stop arguing with me over who sees the bf more. it's a dumb thing to argue abt also okay. so wad if u c wx less n i c hy more? so wad babe? so wad? i cant rem the number of times i told u "let's not argue over dis" cos it's been countless times. but u always wan to end off saying dat u think u'r still correct.

i din check my hp after sending u dat last sms until now. i brought in wx not cos i wan to hurt u. but cos i wan to let u noe dat if u continue always being the way u r, i think u'r just going to hurt ur relationship with wx also. how many times have u quarrelled n how many of these times was he the one who gave in to u? almost everytime i bet. we'v been frens for so many years so i can say dat i'm quite alright with letting u have ur way when u wanna insist dat u'r right.

quite some time ago when wx n i were both in ur hall, u were complaining n scolding him for buying dat model of printer cos it uses ink v fast. i din say anything to u but i felt q bad for wx. he bought the printer for u n still gotta b scolded by u cos the printer uses ink v fast? i dunno if dat's the way u always treat him but from the few encounters i'v had with him, i think he really give in to u alot. u shd go n think abt how much u'r taking for granted.

i dun think u'r a lousy person. if i tot so i wldnt b dat happy to meet u again at westmall's coffeebean when we were mugging for 'A's. i just think dat sumtimes u take things too far when u keep insisting dat u'r right or wan things ur way. in ur reply to my sms, u said u think i spend too much time with hy's frens compared to u. but it is v farny u noe. i go out with them during wkends when u'r not in sg. even when u'r in sg, wadeva free time u have u will wan to spend it with wx cos u'v always been complaining dat u spend too little time with him. dun u find it v farny? u keep saying i dun spend time with u but when u have the time u'd rather spend it with wx also wad.

abt eating dinner n blah, we always cant seem to b free at the same time. when i ask u n u happen to b free, u also sumtimes say wx is coming to eat with u so i'll just go n eat with the both of u. n right, ever since we came uni, i dun think we'r spending less time tog now compared to in yr1 when i was with moses or when we'd broken up. u used to stay in hall 10 n i stayed hall 2. did we always meet up or go out? no. i always ate with ry only.

i dun ask u out but i dun ask pple out. even lastime when i go out with ry, usually she's the one who asked me out. so do u ask me out? no. n ur reason is dat u always ask me out n i'm not free. is it? how many times did u ask me out in the past yr? u also say dat even when we do go out, u'r unhappy cos hy comes along. but i got ask u if u mind. if u really dowan i wun ask him to come but u nv said so. n from wad i rem, he only came out with us lyk twice? not counting the bday celebrations.

the fact dat we go out less compared to lastime lyk in sec sch is simply dat we'r busier now n our timetables r different. even outside lesson time we both have our projects to do, quizzes to study, assignments to rush. i dun think it's fair to push all the blame dat we'r drifting apart fully on me n saying dat the reason for it is dat i spend too much time with hy n his frens. as u can c, recently we really keep having alot of conflict. if u ask me, the main reason y we'r drifting apart is cos of the mindless arguments we'r always engaging in.

rem the times when we wld chat on msn til v late? it doesnt happen now cos we keep quarrelling over v small stuff when we have disagreements. n the fact dat u always wan to insist dat u'r right makes me not wan to continue chatting with u for long so i always end up not replying after awhile or try to change the topic. lyk just now when we were arguing abt the clothes, i tried changing the topic n tell u dat i'm pissed with my proj grp n ask if u'r really going to stay at wx's hse.

mayb after reading the 6-sms long msg n reading dis post (when u do read it), it'll change our frenship. but i think i really just gotta tell u all dis. even if u'r unhappy or angry, dis is just still wad i feel. when i disagree with u, u say "wadeva". u noe wad? yah. wadeva. cos it's my turn to b angry dis time. n i'm not in the wrong cos i have enough reason to b angry.

in a time lyk dis, having no gd frens (with ry in NZ), not talking to my bf n my mum not on talking terms with me, i think i feel quite at ease being alone n take some time to think abt wad i expect out of my relationships with those arnd me.

i cant wait for ry to b back :)

Monday, April 02, 2007

have the sudden urge to resurrect dis blog. now dat every1 probably thinks it's no longer in use cos i officially closed it down slightly over 1/2 a year ago, i think it's a gd time to bring it back to life. i need a channel for me to let out some stuff, but yet i feel the need to keep even my closest frens at bay for now, at the very least.

sometimes i think pple seriously underestimate the power of the words they use, horribly underestimating the effects of their seemingly implied meaning. by saying so, u cannot imagine how much benefit of the doubt i am giving to the person i'm directing this post at.

u said u did not mean ur words the way i interpreted them. but ur english is so simple, ur meaning undeniably clear to me. is there room for me to misunderstand n misinterpret? no, i cant find even the tiniest tiniest reason for me to convince myself dat it is merely a misunderstanding on my part n a misrepresentation on ur part. n y is it dat everytime we hav a quarrel, it must always b a misunderstanding?

u always think dat u noe everything abt the psychology of females, but let me tell u this. from my point of view, u noe nothing salient. by posting dat post on OUR joint blog, it only served to show me how insensitive n selfish u r because u nv bothered to consider my feelings n wad i wld think after reading it. it has made me lose all confidence in our relationship, made me lose all my trust in u, made me lose all my dreams n anticipation i had abt us spending the rest of our lives together.

i cld throw back a thousand times the worth of hurt n disappointment u inflicted on me, but u noe wad? i will choose to b kind. by my silence n outward nonchalance, trust me n b thankful dat u'r receiving a much kinder treatment than i think u deserve from me.

all ur efforts at coaxing me n ur load of explanation will b fruitless because i choose not to coaxed once again into believing things dat i always cant find reasons to believe in. yet, for countless times, i fall prey to ur pitiful pleadings, ur largely incoherent explanations, ur stupid flowers n cards, ur unrelentless pestering, ur insignificant amount of tears, n most importantly, all ur frivolous promises.

"if u ask me if i still love my past girlfriends, i'll say i do", "love someone only when u can love her for forever no matter what happens, whether u are tog, or not tog, even after she die, even after u die" -- fine by me. love every1 forever then. i dun think wad u said is right or wrong because there is no right or wrong to dat. but if lyk u said, ur heart is v small, mayb since the beginning all the space is alr taken up by those who came before me, so i nv made it inside in the first place. i dun think u have enough love to spread around.

n isnt it such a pure coincidence dat u blogged such a post the day after py's bday party? *rolls eyes* dun take me for an idiot tho u love to call me one. it's q farny really. in fact, i'm not jealous if dat's y u think i'm unhappy. i just think it's so naive n careless of me to have missed out considering seriously at the start abt how ur past relationships will affect us. n how silly i am not to heed my frens' advice n not learning from past experiences. how many times have we argued abt dis? at least thrice. n how many time did we break up over dis? at least twice.

i dun think i'm being unreasonable no matter how unreasonable u think i am. i dun think it's wrong of me to want my bf to only have me in his heart, instead of leaving corners of it still filled with past gfs whom u so loudly proclaim to still have love for. it is ridiculous n unbelievable dat u cld post such stuff on our blog thinking dat i will b okay with it. wld u wan me to post on our blog, saying things dat have the same meaning as "i love moses forever. i still love him even tho we'r not together anymore because (i quote from u) loving someone doesnt = being with someone"?

after yq read ur post, she said if wx ever post such a thing, they'r over. but u noe wad? i dun have the feeling of wanting to break up, but i dun wan to patch up either. i dont want to make a rash decision abt whether or not this relationship of ours is worth continuing. i just wan to continue not talking to u until i feel better n come to terms with it. shdnt we take a step back, take some time apart to evaluate our relationship objectively? i think now is a gd time to do just dat.

secretly i was always worried dat i cld not replace yy in ur heart cos u were tog for a longer time after all. altho dat's not wad u were saying in ur post, i didnt expect u to profess ur undying love for ur past gfs right after the day we saw yy, right there in OUR blog for me to read, for every1 to read.

u have no respect for me at all. n u say u love only me forever? fuck it.

11.jan.86
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